I am here if anyone needs to talk. Not just patents but kids and young adults also….if I can help, I will xx
How do I stop living on my nerves?
All my life I’ve been a nervous wreck. Even as a child. I’ve grew up having no confidence, self-worth and basically been shit on more times that I can remember. Shit on by friends, family, my partner even at times my children. Yet I always push on and just get on with it. Why? Because when you have no self worth u just value yourself as a piece of shit, so you except it. Well I did anyway.
I always feel like I’m being judged. Especially with the school. Fighting for my Son to get his diagnosis took 6 years and it took its toll on my nerves, to the point I felt sick driving into the playground each morning. Even now that he’s left Primary School 3 years, I still avoid driving past it. I will write about it one day, when I have the strength to delve back into those suppressed memories and emotions.
Having a Child with A.D.H.D and all the stigma that comes from the ignorant still gets to me. It’s hard. Years of being told he was just a defiant boy, It was my parenting or lack of! It was his diet, It was lack of sleep, It was all in my head or trying to justify his behaviour by giving him a label. What they didn’t realise was my pain and fight came from seeing my child suffer intolerable cruelty at the hands of bully’s. Bully children and Teachers. I had a breakdown from all the stress and I’m now damaged from it all. I honestly am and I don’t know what to do to rid myself of these negative feelings and emotions. The minute the phone rings and its the School number, my heart beats so fast and loud I feel faint. The adrenalin that gets released into my body is so overpowering It can take an hour just to feel that I can get a breath. The best way to explain how it feels is, Imagine your screaming at the top of your lungs, screaming with all your might but nobody can hear you. Over and over, pleading for your child’s life. Because that’s what it is. Your child’s life.
I live on my nerves 7 days a week. Dread, panic and anxiety fill my head space. I panic when he leaves the house as he’s a hundred miles an hour. Panic he might get hurt, get into trouble or that some nasty horrid person says something mean to him. His ticks can be bad when he’s anxious, so he’s a target. I just wish they knew what it does to him. I’m the one who he takes his anger out on. Spencer has had such a hard life it kills me inside and I’m extra fragile and sensitive with him. I didn’t have the best childhood or the most understanding of parents, so I always strive to be the best Mum to my kids. Especially on an emotional and understanding level, as I don’t want them to grow up and feel the way I do. Damaged….
Even my friends have taken the piss throughout the years. I’m always the one who would drop everything and run. Help out with anything they need. Be a supporter, listener, taxi service, baby sitter you name it. I find it so hard to say NO!
Over the years I’ve removed negative people out my life. I’ve had to for my own sanity. I had a friend who I was close to for the good part of a decade. I thought of her like a big sister and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her or her children. The problem was, she was a control freak, with a personality so dominant most people would lick her ass out of fear. Fear because she had a big mouth! Wouldn’t think twice of turning into a monster with an acid tongue. A conceited little thing. She always managed to manipulate those around her, always ended up getting away with her antics and smelling or roses at the end. I was blind to her jeckle and hydeness untill it was I who became her target. Truth is she’s a Narcissistic abuser and I walked clean out her life. It hurt big time though.
My Grandmother is also a narcissist. I’m her only grandchild, from her only Son. All my life she has seen me as a threat. Weird isn’t it? A granddaughter should be seen as a blessing in life.
Her Niece along with her 2 Daughters were always my Grans favourite. She spent all my life letting me know this. I was only good for running errands, cooking, cleaning her house, taking her to appointments, food shopping, picking up the dog shit from the garden and power washing it down. on call 7 days a week. Yet the wicked witch and her ugly daughters would get taken for lunch and nail salons for quality time. Family nights even Christmas dinner each year. Even on my 30th Birthday I had to pick her up and take her food shopping, which wasn’t a problem. The problem was how much she hurt me 6 weeks later when 1 of the wicked Niece’s was 30. My gran couldn’t wait to tell me how she bought her a beautiful card along with money as a gift, after all Lori, she’s only 30 once and it’s a very special Birthday. Yet on mine I spent it catering to her needs. I remember her saying, your too old for birthday presents. I never looked for anything of her. Just love and acceptance. unfortunately she didn’t think I deserved any of it. I would try so hard for her to love me, I would go over and above anything she asked. Buy her gifts and spend hours doing her Gel nails, pamper her, humour her. After I found my granddad sadly dead, She completely turned on me and the abuse was so bad ‘ve not spoken to her in a year. If I didn’t drop and run to her demands, she would call me of the phone just to scream and let me know she was going to take all her meds and end her life as clearly nobody cares about her. One day she called mt to say the dogs needed chew treats. I told her I was going to a hospital appointment that couldnt be missed. She harassed me for 20 mins until I called in to cancel my appointment, resulting in me getting taken of the waiting list. All she needed was treats for her dogs. If I didnt jump and roll over the wicked mental abuse started and the threats of suicide. She always had me on edge. She was able to control me through mental abuse of the worst kind. I had to go to my Doctor to talk it over with his as I was so concerned about her. My Doctor told me to tell her to go do it. He was mad she was doing this to me, it was intolerable cruelty and I was becoming depressed because of her. I was a modern-day cinderella. I refuse to be abused any longer from her. If I was to write the hundreds of horrible things she said and done to me, I wouldn’t be believed. The accusations were unforgivable. My Granddad was my hero, he was a gentleman with a heart of pure gold. He’s the only reason I put up with if for so long. I miss him so much.
Why do you think I’ve had to deal with this amount of stress in my life. I could write so much shit about my shit existence it could be a book. The answer is, I have never valued myself, so why should anyone else? when u see yourself as not worthy others do too. It becomes the norm to be used.
I know this is quite a depressing post but I needed to le that out. The reason I wrote this is, no matter how hard life can be or how awful you can be treated, please remember your worth. Love yourself. Value yourself. Learn to say NO. If you don’t, people will wear you down until you break. Stay true to yourself, never let life push you into a corner until your trapped.
Every day is a new start. I’m taking it one day at a time just now my life is in a better place. I live on my nerves and always will. Its something I will need to learn to control as its going nowhere. On my good days, I’m good. On the bad I struggle to function. One things for sure. I WONT GIVE UP!!!!!
A.D.H.D, night terrors & Insomnia…….
My Son suffered night terrors since he was a baby. I use the word “suffered” because that’s exactly how it was for him. Constant broken, disturbed sleep with day time fatigue, due to lack of sleep.
Night terrors, really are awful. Anyone who has to deal with them in their lives, I truly feel sorry for both sufferer and parent/parents. Raising children is a tough job on its own, add extreme sleep deprivation and it’s debilitating.
So many children with ADHD struggle to sleep at the best of times, lying in bed, sometimes for hours before they can shut off. Spencer would sit up all night long, drawing pictures. His brain literally couldn’t shut off. When he did eventually start to feel tired and fall asleep, within 1-2 hours, he would be up running around the house. Screaming at the top of his lungs. It could take up to 20 minutes of him in a state of pure terror before I could calm him down. This 20 minutes would feel like an hours.
The older Spencer got, the more sever the night terrors became. There was a clear link between stress and severity of terror. If he had a bad few days at school, the night terrors would so intense, his heart would beat so fast, he struggles to breath. He would take palpitations and break his heart. Resulting in him being left exhausted, mentally drained and miserable. This was happening 4-5 nights a week ( bad terror ) 2-3 night ( milder terror ).
After years of this, he started taking bad nose bleeds. The pressure in his head, the adrenalin pumping so intensely, his nose would burst open and pour like a tap. I’ve never in my life seen anyone whose nose could bleed this bad. So imagine, running around the house in sheer terror and panic, with blood pouring out your nose and totally unaware of your surroundings. The poor darling was left feeling traumatized . He would end up being so scared to fall asleep, he would be up into the night, which would cause exhaustion, resulting in his night terror being more severe. It was a viscus circle!!
When Spencer was in ” panic” mode while having a night terror, I would talk to him calmly and slowly. For him, his dreams were real. His eye’s would be open and could speak but his brain was asleep. Imagine how scary that would be, especially for a child. He would scream for me, I would be sitting or standing right beside him and he couldn’t see me. I would ask him to find my hand, ” find mummy’s hand, Spencer ” over and over until he reached out for my hand. Once he got hold of my hand, he wouldn’t let it go. Then I could slowly and calmly get him to waken up. Once he had my hand, he knew he was safe. That Mum was here and she’s gonna help me.
I took him to a sleep clinic & Pediatric Dr, to try get him help with the night terrors. They were now debilitating for him. One night he tried to open his brother’s window and climb out. If AJ hadn’t woken up and stopped him, he might not be here today. That was the last straw!!! No more getting fobbed off by Doctor’s. He couldn’t/wouldn’t stay away from home for a sleepover and was so exhausted his ADHD symptoms were through the roof! He became manic, couldn’t cope and crashed in depression. That’s when he was prescribed Circadin 2mg Melatonin by his psychologist. He has been taking Melatonin since the age of 11. He takes 4mg 1 hour before bed.
Since Spencer has been taking melatonin, his night terrors are few and far between. It’s been a God send for him. It really has improved the quality of his life. If he doesn’t have them, he can’t fall asleep or even feel tired. Melatonin in non drowsy. It’s slowly released, manipulating the brain, that its bed time.
The body produces melatonin at night, (When it’s dark) and serotonin during the day, ( When It’s light) unfortunately too many people with adhd are struggling to either, get to sleep, or stay sleeping. Waking up feeling, like you’ve had 2 hours sleep and exhausted. Brain working on overdrive!
If you do take melatonin? Or considering taking it, remember you must take it, then go to bed in a dark room. If you take it while watchin tv, or on your laptop/mobile phone. Then it won’t work the way is should. Any light, stimulating the brain will release, serotonin!
For Spencer, this little tablet has changed his life. Fingers crossed it continues.
Would love to hear if anyone else takes Melatonin? How it works for you? or doesn’t!
LORI XXXXX
I think my son’s need #bratcamp and so does the dog!
Seriously though, my boy’s are on another level right now and it’s too much!
These last 3 days have been torture, bloody torture. I know teenagers are, well teenagers! I was one, you were one, we have all been one. I put my mother through hell and back, so I get it! But these boys of mine are in a league of their own.
Control my house, dictate from morning till night, tantrums worse than their toddler sister and the stinking attitudes, oh their the worst. How can 2 boy’s who have been loved and guided so much, behave like animals?
I’m considering hiding the go-pro, record them, sit them down and make them watch it!
Tomorrow better be a good day! I’m hanging by a thread!!!!!
#A.D.H.D mixed with hormone’s = overload.
A.D.H.D is hard to cope with at the best of times, add in teenage hormones and you have a recipe for disaster. An overload of emotions, anxiety, panic, worry, anger, fatigue, manic behaviour, feelings of hopelessness and increased eating with weight gain. I know just about every teenager on the planet will have these magnified emmotions during puberty but someone with A.D.H.D these are magnified beyond being able to function and will most defiantly interfere with every aspect of life.
During puberty, your A.D.H.D child will be overwhelmed dealing with life. They need extra support, love, understanding and most importantly patience. Don’t get me wrong, I find it hard at times trying to cope with Spencer’s explosive behaviour to the point I’m in a rage myself. Parents can be too hard on themselves, we strive every day to be better for our children. But we are human, we make mistakes but we must learn. with this acknowledgment of our own behaviours, we can teach out children to acknowledge theirs. the worst thing you can do to a child, especially with adhd, is make them feel guilty. Guilt will manifest and become an explosion of anger possibly depression, making the symptoms worse. Not to mention guilt and shame will chip away their self-esteem, which could cause life long damage.
My Son will be lovely one minute then the most silliest thing could set him off into a rage. It’s like a light switch! Trying to reason with him over his outburst just makes the situation worse. I can find it hard to cope with because its hard to make the right choice to deal with this behaviour. Do I remain calm and make it clear that attitude and behaviour is unacceptable, which can end up, us in argument or do I let it go as I know he doesn’t mean what he says, but the consequence of that will make him think it’s acceptable to behave and speak to me like that. So it can be hard to make the right choice. Add in the fact you have other children, a job or adult education and life in general, it can make the situation even harder to deal with. When Spencer kicks off, its full on rage. Total crazy behaviour. The thing’s he says to his Dad and I can be very hurtful. He can threaten violence and at times be violent. How do u deal with this? Would you accept your other children without adhd doing this? No, so why allow this behavior from children with adhd. You must stand your ground, be firm and never make false threats. Say what you mean and act on what you say. It’s the only way they will respect us as parents. Be calm, be clear, be honest and be firm. I always say a combination of firm but fair is the best approach. Don’t be violent or verbally violent at any time. you will just make the situation erupt, set your child up for failure by making him more angry and lose all control. Plus how can you guid your child not to be violent or verbally abusive, by being violent and verbally abusive yourself? Learned behavior is real. Too many parents dont awknowledge this. Our kids learn from us, how we deal and respond to their needs, feelings, actions, attitude,and so forth, teaches them how to deal with the needs of others. We must be emotionally connectd to our kids. Sad thing is, not every parent understands or knows how too!
One thing to always remember, love and nurturing heal’s even the sadest of hearts. And it’s never to late to make positive changes in a negative environment.
LORI xxx
Where have I gone wrong? My son’s hate each other. #brothersatwar #teenagesiblings #adhd #helpme #mumreadytocrack
What a day I’ve had. Once again my whole house like a war zone, thing’s broken, burst lip, abusive behavior, screaming, threatening, anger, frustration and tears. WTF! All from my 2 son’s, who quite frankly, HATE each other.
My oldest son who is 17 is the culprit. He has always been controlling of his younger brother, even as a young child he dominated almost every situation. unfortunately this has continued all his life. It was always more than just the ” shotgun” front car seat or who gets the bigger bowl of ice cream, or who gets to pick the film or stay up later. It’s over everything. Most sibling rivalry is normal. It happens in every house all over the world. When it gets to the point of violence with mental abuse, it’s not acceptable. It’s bullying. My eldest son, bully’s his brother and I’m stuck in the middle.
What I can’t cope with is the way he makes his brother feel. Spencer has been bullied most of his life. He has adhd with sever anxiety. By no means is he a fragile little boy, he gives as good as he gets but its been constant throughout his life. He struggles with social ques, which hinders relationship building with his peers. He has no filter and can take things too far. To round it up, AJ is embarrassed and resentful of his little brother. I’ve blamed myself, it must have been me, I must have not given him the same time and attention as his little brother, maybe I’ve been to hard on him growing up? maybe I’m putting him under too much pressure to help guide his brother to make good choices? As Spencer is a visual learner, always has been. I’ve thought of every reason for his behaviour. The truth is, AJ is a spoiled brat. Who bully’s his brother. He’s 17, an adult, who’s needing to grow the f”ck up.
His attitude blows me away. He’s horrible. Mean, spiteful, verbally abusive, cruel, selfish, bitter, twisted and will accept no responsibility for his actions. My son, who has been loved, cherished, wanted for nothing, had a privileged life, has a mum who has devoted her life to the 3 of them, has grown up to be a horrid person. He thinks he’s the Dad of the house, who wants to rule and dominate. Not only does he speak to his brother like a piece of shit, he speaks to his Dad the same. No respect for the man who’s worked every day of his life, to provide and give him a good life. No respect for myself or the fact his little 4-year-old sister witness’s all of it. I can’t cope with this anymore. I genuinely feel resentful of my son. I don’t know who he’s become? Or like who he’s become.
The kids of the generation are doomed. Selfish, entitled spoiled brats. Who walk around thinking the world owes them. I could understand AJ’s behaviour if he had a bad childhood or had to deal with hardship with no emotional support from me. His childhood has been the opposite. He’s been loved and cherished, supported throughout his whole life. Why has he become this way?? Is it my fault?? Have I spoiled him and not guided him the way I think I have? Or is this just typical teenage behaviour?? One ting I do know, I will not accept one more violent outburst towards his brother, Spencer is not his verbal or physical punch bag.
AJ has always been so kind, thoughtful and loving. That’s why I can’t understand why he’s become like this. He runs down the street to stop old people and carry their shopping, is so polite and manerable. Has stayed on at school when all his friends left. He’s in 6th year, taking more highers to get into university, wants a good life. Yet he behaves like this at home. This last 2 years has been pure torture raising him. I’m stuck! I wont put him out my house as he’s my child and that will solve nothing plus add another ton of stress onto me. I just need support to understand his behaviour. I’m an only child, so I never had any of these problems to deal with growing up.
I want my son back, I want my Son’s to be brothers and love each other. I would have done anything for a sibling. They are so lucky to have each other. Will their relationship change when they grow up?? Or will they just live separate lives??
They are breaking my heart. Its hard enough having to deal with Spencer’s meltdowns, I don’t need AJ to be doing it too. It just makes me feel like a shit mum who’s let her children down.
It’s also causing my husband and I to argue, It’ like a domino effect. I think he’s being too tough. He needs to be there on an emotional level instead of a dominearing authoritive figure. AJ and his Dad just mimic each others behavior.
Any guidance from other mum’s, Dad’s or guardians will be greatly appreciated. help!!!
LORI ( mum ready to crack ) xxx
THE LOST CHILD
The things you’ve been through at a young age kills me inside.
To drop you off everyday at school, knowing you would be suffering.
To see all emotions pouring out making you vulnerable and open to hurt.
Look into your eyes, nothing. Empty, broken inside. No sparkle only terror.
knowing you would be ostracised and tormented till braking point.
Nobody cares, they watch as if your value is worthless.
That day you pretended you won a trophy just to make me smile, you saw the sadness in me like I you. I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt guilt that I made you feel worthless too.
No party invites or friends for you, for you are not worthy. How wrong are they. You will get the last laugh.
For what they don’t know is the level of empathy you hold and the raw kindness you bestow on the world.
You see and feel it all, every emotion possible. Made to feel shame, the worst of them all.
Your heart is beautiful, your spirit will not be broken no matter how hard they try.
I love you with every piece of my being, my heart, my soul. To me your are perfect.
My lost child, my Son. You are worth more than you will ever know.
Always and forever Mum xxxxx
Time for action……
If I don’t fight for his rights, who will??
I’ve had a long break from the blog as I haven’t been fully myself for a while. Things had gotten so bad it left me feeling very low and at times depressed. I never had any drive or get up and go for months. I just felt quite numb actually. Watching my wee boy have the same issues as myself, has given me the kick up the back side I needed and put the fight back in me! How can I help him overcome his fears and anxious mind when i’m struggling with my own. Mine stem from the sadness I feel at how he’s treated and feeling frustrated at the system that’s failing all our kids. As a mum who’s sole responsibility is to love and protect her children, why do I feel like I’ve failed? the feelings of guilt eat me away. I feel like I’ve let him down. Feeling that I scream from the top of my lungs but nobody can hear me. It’s not me though, it’s them! The very people who we seek help for our babies. They’re the ones who have let him down. Let so many down! I cant even imagine how broken he feels inside? My pain is nothing compared to his. Enough is enough!!!! I’m not tolerating it no more…… BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sick of the sick house…
We have a sick house this week. AJ been so Ill. High temperature and flu like symptoms. Everleigh is chocked with the cold and I’ve had tonsillitis.
The schools only went back on Monday after 2 weeks holiday, for Aj to be off since Tuesday. Sods law…
Everleigh has woken up every night this week and stayed up until 5-6am, so I’ve been surviving on 3-4 hours sleep per day. I’m beyond exhausted…
Yesterday I was woken up to Everleigh being Everleigh. The girl is crazy. She climbed onto my bedroom furniture, got her little hands on my make up bags, decided to paint her toe nails then tipped out 4 bottles of nail varnish all over by best bed covers… painted my nails while I was sleeping, then attempted to give me a new eye brow with mascara. That’s when I woke!!! Bed covers destroyed, make up destroyed, Everleighs legs, feet and hands covered in nail varnish!!!
It’s totally my fault. I under estimated my 2 year old and forgot she has the climbing skills of mountain goat!
To top it all off, I had my hair highlighted for it to turn out bright yellow…with brown and yellow stripes on the roots. Apparently it’s called the skunking look. Hahaha…had to go and get it fixed, another £70 for it to turn out the way it was before I got it done in the first place.
Now Spencer is away to bed feeling the same, he’s so chocked up he can’t breath out his nose….
They say it comes in 3’s but it’s been 6’s in this house…what’s next?
If I didn’t laugh, I would cry…just as well I’m laid back lol.
On a positive note, the sun has been shining for 3 full days and my washing basket is empty. YaaaaaY
What’s next week gonna bring? Hopefully more sunshine and laughs. Minus the sick house.
Peace xxxxxxxx
I feel so sad…..
This is not something I would normally write about but I just cant get these beautifull little angels out my head.
Over the last 2 weeks I have been reading about little Ayeeshia Smith and little Liam Fee, who was autistic. Murdered by the one person who should protect and love them. Safe to say I am traumatised by their suffering. I have broke my heart over them both, I pray they are at peace.
I honesty can’t even begin to imagine how a mother could hurt her child, never mind kill.
Ayeeshias smiths killer, refuse to say mother as she resembles no mother. Has been found guilty and sentenced to 24 years in prison. I’ve never supported the death penalty but on these circumstances, I would.
She will be 46 when she gets out of prison, with a new identity costing millions paid by tax payer. Still able to have a life. How is this justice for jumping on your 2 year old little girl so hard, her heart was torn in half.
Little Ayeeshia was abused for all of her 21 months on this earth. She never knew love. She never even knew what it was like to go to bed with a full tummy at night. Starved, beaten and ignored. Ive cried so hard my eyes were swollen, all I can think is I wish I knew her. I would have taken her into safety. Raised and loved her as my own child. It’s just heartbreaking….
Then little Liam Fee, his story released a few days after. The monsters who Murdered this little angel are at trial just now. Day 8 of a 8 week trial.
Liam also suffered beyond anything imaginable. A barbaric death at the hands of two evil women.
As Liam was Autistic and vulnerable his killers took no pitty. They tortured him, locked him in a cage with rats and even as a baby he was tied to his cot with cable ties. In the end beaten so badly he swallowed his tongue.
Liam was put in a dark room with no social interaction and left there, cold and hungry. How scared must he have been. I just can’t deal with thinking of these beautiful little angels and their suffering. But I had to get this out as it has been taken over my head for 2 weeks now. I can’t stop thinking about them.
No child should ever have to be put through this evil. A vunerable autistic little boy and a fragile malnutritioned little girl….
Their deaths should not be in vain, the justice system needs to act now. Tougher sentences for these monsters. Life in prison should mean life!!! If you take a life, then yours should be taken also.
Ayeeshia and Liam, angels amongst the stats. I pray for you, you both have touched my heart and if you were my children, I would have loved you both the way you should have been. I pray that you both will be given the chance again in this world. To a mother who will cherish and be devoted to giving you a life filled with love.
Bless you both, I would have been proud to have had you as my children.
XxxxxxxxxX
adhdandmybeautiful3 